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Science Corner: The Birds and the Bedbugs

Posted: September 28th, 2010 | Author: | | Tags: , , , | 5 Comments »

Do you want to know how bedbugs bump uglies? Sure, we all do. Well do I have some good news for you, thoughtcriminals! Only months ago, science finally walked into bedbugs’ bedroom to see what that all creaking was about and oh god the scarring. The horrible, nightmarish scarring.

You see, when a male bedbug loves a lady bedbug very much, he crosses the bar to buy her a drink and drop a fake name. If he plays his teeny tiny cards right they will retire to his apartment. Then to his bedroom. And his bed.

(Of course, by that we also mean your apartment. Your bedroom. Your bed. Goodnight.)

The moment arrives. We’re both grownups. We both know why we’re here. It’s time to stop playing games, and start living. Hey…easy. Woah now. Don’t fight what you want. Just relax.

Now that he’s in a prime position, the male prepares himself. He looks in the mirror. “You’re a tiger. Take what’s yours.” And when he’s ready, he will casually…seductively…PIERCE THROUGH THE FEMALE’S SHELL WITH HIS HARPOON PENIS AND FILL THE ENTIRE ABDOMINAL CAVITY WITH SEMEN.

I am completely not making this up. It is called traumatic insemination, and I can’t WAIT to try it.

Male bedbugs bore through the dense lady-exoskeleton with…are you ready? Hypodermic genitalia. HYPODERMIC. GENITALIA. Can you stand it?

traumatic insemination

Traumatic Insemination: An artist's conception (ha ha)

When all this fun with a purpose is over our suave hero strikes a match on the only dry spot on her shell, lights a cigarette, and lifts a smooth line from Barry White, like “There’s a party in your abdomen, and nature’s flood of sexual horror is invited!

End scene.

Bedbug sex!

5 Comments on “Science Corner: The Birds and the Bedbugs”

  1. 1 HBK said at 9:44 am on September 29th, 2010:

    Why must the little creatures of nature have all the fun?

  2. 2 HJM said at 5:20 pm on September 29th, 2010:

    “It is called traumatic insemination, and I can’t WAIT to try it.”

    Well, our anniversary *is* next week.

  3. 3 Tweets that mention Nix Bedbugs » Blog Archive » Science Corner: The Birds and the Bedbugs -- Topsy.com said at 5:01 pm on October 1st, 2010:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by midsentence, Nix Bed Bugs. Nix Bed Bugs said: Traumatic Insemination Indeed! Science Corner: The Birds and the Bedbugs http://t.co/msGhPvx via @nixbedbugs #bedbugs […]

  4. 4 Nix Bedbugs » Blog Archive » Are Bedbugs an Epidemic? said at 1:59 pm on October 12th, 2010:

    […] to their extremely effective reproductivity, A few bed bugs can lead to a major infestation in just a short time. And it is well documented how […]

  5. 5 Nix Bedbugs » Blog Archive » Reader Question of the Week: Bedbug-a-boo said at 10:56 pm on October 18th, 2010:

    […] the limits of good taste by just…being a bedbug!  You can’t possibly fail to have some traumatic insemination all your own.  And even if you don’t, well just look how much fun this guy is […]

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