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Science Corner: The Birds and the Bedbugs

Posted: September 28th, 2010 | Author: | | Tags: , , , | 5 Comments »

Do you want to know how bedbugs bump uglies? Sure, we all do. Well do I have some good news for you, thoughtcriminals! Only months ago, science finally walked into bedbugs’ bedroom to see what that all creaking was about and oh god the scarring. The horrible, nightmarish scarring.

You see, when a male bedbug loves a lady bedbug very much, he crosses the bar to buy her a drink and drop a fake name. If he plays his teeny tiny cards right they will retire to his apartment. Then to his bedroom. And his bed.

(Of course, by that we also mean your apartment. Your bedroom. Your bed. Goodnight.)

The moment arrives. We’re both grownups. We both know why we’re here. It’s time to stop playing games, and start living. Hey…easy. Woah now. Don’t fight what you want. Just relax.

Now that he’s in a prime position, the male prepares himself. He looks in the mirror. “You’re a tiger. Take what’s yours.” And when he’s ready, he will casually…seductively…PIERCE THROUGH THE FEMALE’S SHELL WITH HIS HARPOON PENIS AND FILL THE ENTIRE ABDOMINAL CAVITY WITH SEMEN.

I am completely not making this up. It is called traumatic insemination, and I can’t WAIT to try it.

Male bedbugs bore through the dense lady-exoskeleton with…are you ready? Hypodermic genitalia. HYPODERMIC. GENITALIA. Can you stand it?

traumatic insemination

Traumatic Insemination: An artist's conception (ha ha)

When all this fun with a purpose is over our suave hero strikes a match on the only dry spot on her shell, lights a cigarette, and lifts a smooth line from Barry White, like “There’s a party in your abdomen, and nature’s flood of sexual horror is invited!

End scene.

Bedbug sex!